Bombs Away!

I was asked to laminate and bind two dozen copies of a government emergency procedures flipchart, that is to be placed on workers' desks.

Below is taken from the Bomb Threat Checklist, so you’ll be able to understand my astonishment at some of the questions.

These 'general' questions are real and in order, I’ve taken the liberty of answering these dumbass questions:

What it is? Let me speak more slowly for you… it is a bomb.
When is the bomb going to explode? When the timer runs down.
When will the substance be released? Uh….
Where did you put it? Where it will do the most good.
What does it look like? Oh, let me think, it looks like a bomb!
When did you put it there? Me? No-one one saw me do it, you can't prove a thing!.
How will the bomb explode? With a loud bang, I hope.
How will the substance be released? When the bomb goes bang.
Did you put it there? Nah, the bomb fairy did, I saw her.
Why did you put it there? Me? Ask the bomb fairy.

But wait, there’s more:

What kind of substance is it? Bomb-like substance.
How much of the substance is there? Enough to be really impressive.
Is the substance a liquid, powder or gas? Um… vegetable? No, wait! Animal...
What type of bomb is it? A bomb-type bomb.
What is in the bomb? Oh, you know, this and that, with a pinch of another thing.
What will make the bomb explode? People asking me stupid questions while my finger is on the button.

How much time do you really have? Does anyone really believe that a bomber is going to answer any of these questions or are they going just tell 'there's a bomb' and leave it at that?

I know I shouldn't be facetious, but God! Which idiot came up with this? I can’t even change it, no matter how much I really, really, want to.

At least we're prepared, right?